unclutter | (no subject)

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Can I count things as out of the house if they are in fact merely out of my custody?

Because I emailed my mother last night to tell her I'm weeding my wardrobe, kindly do not impede the progress of the weeded items to the Goodwill donation station or the trash bin as appropriate. (I wouldn't have thought to do this if Marie Kondo's The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up hadn't made a point of saying "don't let your parents see what you're getting rid of".) Her response was she's going through what I'm getting rid of whether I like it or not. She's rather missed the point, and I know better than to think she's actually going to go through this stuff before the community garage sale in a couple weeks. But short of my sneaking the bags of clothes out to my car in the dead of night, she's going to insist on keeping the stuff in the house for going through at a future date. It just won't be in my room.

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Two thinks I don't get: 1) you live with your mother and yet you emailed her?
2) Why did you even tell her you were throwing things away?

Email is easier for me. Also, the thought I wished to convey happened at eleven at night; nobody else in the house is up.

It seemed simpler to just say "here is what I am doing, here is what I would like you not to do in response" than to go on with doing the thing and wait till she caught me at it to talk about it.

Good for you on making progress on getting things out of your possession! It sounds like it's satisfying to get things our of your room.

Unfortunately I can't find it completely satisfying to only relinquish control of possessions when decluttering - I need them to be really gone. When I went through mementos that I had left at my parents' house (many years after I had lived with them) I took away both the few I wanted to keep and the large number that I wanted to discard. I knew that if my parents had a chance to look through the things I didn't want, they would have kept some, and then I would have seen them every time I visited, and I wouldn't have accomplished my goal of clearing out this clutter in my life.

That sounds like a no, it doesn't really count until the items are really gone.

Maybe I will do the 'sneak stuff out to my car in the dead of night' thing so I can drop them at the Goodwill and Mom (probably) won't notice.

might it be worth splitting some of the items off into a pile, so that your mother has something to go through? Otherwise it might be obvious what you are doing.

Indeed, thanks.

I wholeheartedly approve of this solution.

Also offer sympathies.

Honestly I think the important question is do you feel like YOUR stuff-load is lighter when they are no longer yours, or does knowing your mom has them squirreled away somewhere bother you? If knowing they're out of your space and your responsibility is enough, then I think that counts. Marie Kondo's advice is good but ultimately you can't be responsible for your mom's choices.

This.

I would add to this - and who the items ultimately belong to after they have been claimed. If they are being 'kept for when you change your mind' there is a different loading to 'ooh, I've always wanted that scarf/shirt/pair of shoes, please let me have it/them!'.

Edited (grammar fail.) 2015-05-04 08:04 (UTC)

I agree with these. I live away from my parents, but my mum still has opinions on what I should/should not have in my home. I know that she has a different opinion of me getting rid of clothes to getting rid of books, therefore I now only tell her when I've decluttered things that won't get her interest piqued - she thinks I have way too many books (she could well be right but... I'm decluttering as I finish with the ones I don't want to keep). Clothes are a different matter - I have to be able to prove that they are falling apart and beyond repair to satisfy - if there's a vague chance I might be able to 'slim down into them' then I should keep them, if they're immaculate but I don't like them and never wear them, then I haven't had my use out of them and should keep them until I have.

My solution (which wouldn't be as easy in your situation) is to only tell her about things that she will approve of and the rest I just do when she's not likely to notice - it does however lead to the occasional 'Why haven't I seen you in x?' or 'You should wear y when we go to such and such an occasion' that are tricky, but I feel better for it. My Dad by contrast approves of all decluttering - out is good regardless of whether you've had the full use of it or not.

I wish you luck in still managing to shed plenty of things.

Nod, nod. We'll...see what happens when I actually get to weeding the wardrobe, I suppose.

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